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Week 2 Story: The Wise Salesman
Athletic Salesman. Web Source . Author's Note: I took the story of the blacksmith turning into the moon because the wise man got tired of changing him over and over again, changing the wise man to a salesman and the blacksmith into yet another individual incapable of being appreciative. The Wise Salesman The snobby man walked into the expansive dealership room and breathed a sigh of relief as hushed cold air met his sweat-soaked skin, courtesy of the A/C units straining in the summer heat. A well-dressed man with slick black hair walked up to greet him excitedly and exclaimed: "Good afternoon, my friend! My name is Wiseau and boy, do we have a treat for you! You're our 100,000th customer and we would like to offer you any of the cars on this lot for free in appreciation of your patronage!" The snobby man ignored Wiseau's extended hand and declared with a peculiarly nasal tone: "Hmmph. Show me your best, then." Unfazed, Wiseau esco
Hi Daegan,
ReplyDeleteWhen I finished reading your story, I found myself wanting to read more about the portals of Dante. I found myself picturing the words in my head as a narration of an intense battle. I like the part where he gets transported into the first portal and is starting to experience things you could say that are out of the ordinary. I wonder if the other portals will be even more crazier than the first portal he entered or will they lead him to something that will have a significant impact on his life. What you could do is continue to add more elements into the portals that will make the story parallel the unit the story was inspired by. I think this story will also be a story where I am anxious to see how it will all come together later on in the semester. Keep up the Great Work!
Hey Daegan,
ReplyDeleteI found your retelling of Dante's Portals to have really good use of figurative language. The one thing that slowed down my reading was not having prior knowledge of the story. I may have missed the author's note somewhere, or maybe it was that first paragraph, but I think the first paragraph was more of an introductory part of the story. I liked it overall, but I would've probably been able to appreciate it a little more if I had more prior knowledge, or knew where it was coming from just a little better. The only other thing I struggled with was the rhyming scheme, but the structure may have been intentional and rhymes are often misconstrued on paper or in type compared to in the creator's head. That said, keep up the good work with those writing techniques, it all sounded lovely! I look forward to reading more of your stories in the future!
Hi Daegan! First of all, the title of your project is already really cool and mysterious and makes me want to read on. It's really unique that you included a Canto in your introduction too, because it takes you back to the original Dante's Inferno. I did have to read the intro a few times to really grasp what was happening because it seemed very intense and packed with information that I wish the story was explained more. I also think it would help out if you did several small paragraphs instead of one big one, because it would break up the story and make it easier to decipher. If I hadn’t read Dante’s Inferno previously, I would be very confused so I would try to be a little clearer in the intro about who he is and what he’s doing. I can tell this will be a cool story when finished!
ReplyDeleteWow, that was a great introduction! I've read Dante's Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso but your introduction just made me want to read them again. You got me very interested in Dante's portals. I don't really have any critiques because I already enjoy your introduction and am excited to see where you go with this! Awesom job!
ReplyDeleteHi Deagan!
ReplyDeleteSo I have never read Dante's Inferno, with that said I am a little bit confused on what is going on. From reading other peoples comments here I found out that the Canto is from the original version which I think it is cool that you added one in your version. But still find myself wanting more information about what is going on. I have the feeling that you will be stick fairly close to the original version in the telling of your story here. Am I correct? I also find myself having to reread your intro to figure what is going on here. I see that you had already added another story to your storybook here. I would move the authors note and bibliography to the bottom/end of the page.
Dante's entire Divine Comedy are structured into cantos, but the one in my story is one I wrote for the purpose of the project. The introductory paragraph is more of bridge between Dante's works and this project, you absolutely don't need to have any understanding of the source material to get what's going on. Dante meets God, God says "go check out other cultures" and Dante uses a bunch of artifacts to transport himself around the world to do as he was asked.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it seems like there's so much more to unpack there, once you recognize the details as ancillary to the culturally exploratory nature of the plot, it becomes infinitely more readable!
Wow, I love this. The concept is amazing--I love the fact that you have Dante as the explorer of other religions. He really was the perfect observer in the Divine Comedy. I just love the implications of the Triune god sending him out to explore everything else. The fact that you did a canto was bold, and I am way into it. I can't wait to read more, I am 100% serious about following this project. Excellent poetry in the canto, also. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Daegan,
ReplyDeleteI just read your storybook and I am so impressed. I do not think I will ever be brave enough to attempt poetry in my writing, especially because of the word counts we have to meet but you did an amazing job. Your introduction was informing and interesting enough to draw me into the second part. One thing that could be helpful is introducing characters a little more. Exposition is so important to a story and starting with sentences about character we do not know can be confusing. So a little explanation of who Alighieri is, and even mary, moses, and joseph just incase someone isn’t super familiar with the bible, could be helpful in setting up the reader to get the most out of your story. The second part is great too but in the title you might want to capitalize “we”. Overall it was all wonderful keep up the great work!
Hi Daegan!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love the descriptions that you use when describing Dante. You left little to the imagination, which is amazing. I have yet to read Dante's Divine Comedy, but I feel that you did not skip a beat in giving some type of background. You do a nice job of narration with also descriptions. Not only do you keep to historically accurate information, you present it to the audience in such a way that it shows your understanding of the original story. I liked how your story presented itself with easy dialogue, however I would break up your longer paragraphs so that it will mirror the rest of your writing. Overall you did a really great job, and I cannot wait for the rest of your portfolio to develop.
I'm back! And I read the second story about Sebek-Ra. I think you did a really good job of hinting at Egyptian creation and the evolution of the pyramid without letting it distract from your main plot. I also wrote a story about the rise and fall of Osiris, and so it was interesting to see it told a different way. One thing that I think would be interesting would be for Dante to have more of a reaction to the story of Horus' violence toward Set. Afterall he was from a time where casually decapitating people was not exactly common. You kind of allude to his discomfort with the word "unsteady" but if you wanted to, I think you could really add to your characterization of Dante by showing us more of what he thinks of this new world. Great work!
ReplyDeleteHi Daegan!
ReplyDeleteI think the idea for this storybook is so cool! I can’t wait to see how it progresses and learn more about the different gods and goddesses that you will explore! I thought your introduction was very informative and it did a good job summing up what happened in Dante’s Inferno. However, I did have to go back and re-read it a couple times to fully grasp what was going on in the story. Maybe try breaking the first paragraph up into smaller pieces.
I LOVE that you wrote a Canto for the introduction! I think you did a great job with the style and the descriptive words.
In the first story I actually like that the authors note is at the beginning of the story. I think that it helps to explain what is going on and it makes the story a whole lot easier to understand. Your dialogue in this story was so good! But I was wondering if that pyramid Dante pointed out had some special significance besides being different?
Hi Daegan, I really enjoyed your concept of different portals for Dante to travel through and explore, and I particularly enjoyed your first story on his journey through Egypt with Sebek-Ra. Your imagery was very good in describing characters and setting and so I had a perfectly drawn-out image of Sebek-Ra in my head, with a wide crocodile grin and many teeth.
ReplyDeleteI personally have not read Dante's Divine Comedy, and I thought your introduction was able to give me insight on that in a very short and sweet way through the form of a Canto. I liked that you had your author's note at the top of the story. It gave me a good preview of what to expect once I began reading. Overall, your use of dialogue and descriptors was very good, and by the time I finished reading what you had I was sad to see there was not more for me to read. I found this storybook very interesting and I cannot wait to see where else Dante's travels take him!
Hello Daegan!
ReplyDeleteI really liked you idea for this storybook! The idea that Dante travels through different portals is very unique and has so many possibilities to explore! I have not read Dante's Divine Comedy but I think you introduction gives a great understanding and summary for those of use who have not read the story without being too long. You also used a great amount of descriptions in your stories which helps the reader really visualize what is taking place. Great job and I can't wait to see where else this story goes!
Hi Daegan!
ReplyDeleteI like that you decided to do a Dante story. That is a very challenging story to work with but I think you did a great job with it. Doing a Canto in the introduction must have been difficult but it turned out great! I actually had to read the Divine Comedy in high school, but I think your introduction was great for those who have not ever read it. It can be a confusing story and you made it very simple.
I like that you changed Dante's guide as Sebek- Ra in order to bring in an Egyptian side. It was cool to see how you blended these two and I am excited to see the end product of this whole story.
I like your images. I am glad you added a picture of Dante so we can more easily visualize this story of him. I think adding the picture of Sebek- Ra higher up on the page would be helpful for people to visualize what a crocodile headed god looks like.
Hi Daegan,
ReplyDeleteFor starters I must commend you on your use of background/theme color you chose for your story book! I did the randomizer and that plus the name is what drew me into your storybook. I like how you decided to use your author's note first to further help explain what your intentions are with the story. I feel like you gave great description with it as well, however I feel as though incorporating more pictures such as one of the leveled pyramid, would give your story another dimension. The question I must ask is when Dante fell of the boat and arose on this one, is he dead at this point? Also just curious, but what is the point of Sebek-Ra giving Dante the boat ride through Egypt? Coming from an outsider's point view(having never read the story), maybe including something about why the things are happening the way they are would be a good addition.
Hi Daegan! The aesthetics of your project are amazing. I particularly enjoyed the background you chose. I chose to review your project because I have always been fascinated by Dante and the various layers of Hell. You write at such a high level, and I commend you for that. I had to turn on the smart part of my brain to keep up with your writing. I was just blown away by your writing skills. The only critique I can think of is that I wish there were more stories because I want to read more! But trust me, I get it. These classes, although they are not particularly challenging grade wise, they demand a lot of time. Between working, trying to stay in shape, and my other courses, it is very difficult for me to put in the time necessary for this class. But, I loved your project and good luck with the rest of the semester.
ReplyDeleteHey Daegan!
ReplyDeleteI haven't ever read all the way through any of Dante's Inferno but I'm fairly familiar with the story through reading short excerpts. I really enjoy the story of Dante and his experiences so I was interested to read someone's spin off of the original! As I read through your Introduction I thought you did a great job of describing Dante's meeting with God. The description of the area was very helpful for me in visualizing what Dante was seeing. You did a fantastic job with the Canto as well! In the first section of the story I think adding a little description of the color of the water would help the reader visualize the scenario Dante finds himself in. Perhaps it would be a good idea to include that detail in the part where you talk about the water drenching his clothes. You mention that the garments were crimson and cream so if they were to change color the reader could discern what the condition of the water looked like. Besides that very minor detail, I thoroughly enjoyed reading through what you have written so far. I', looking forward to seeing more!
3. Hi Daegan! The aesthetic of your cover page is nice and makes me want to read more. I noticed that you have not been adding more stories, and I think your introduction and the first story are great! I think you should add another story so that your readers can learn more from you! I thought you did a great job of describing Dante's meeting with God. In your first story, I think you can add some more details so that you can add some more depth to your original story. The flow of your story is really great and easy to follow along, so keep it up! I urge you to keep writing with this style and I look forward to reading more from you. Next week, I will make sure to come back and read the story you just posted because I have enjoyed your stories so far!
ReplyDeleteHi, Daegan! First off, I really enjoy the layout and the look of your website! I think you have everything set up very nicely and it is really fun to explore and to look at! Also, the aesthetic of your cover page really makes me want to read more from you. I think that your introduction and your stories have been very well written so far, and I think that you have a very unique writing style that makes your stories very fun and interesting to read. I do think that there are some details you can add to your stories to give them some more depth and structure, but the flow of your stories is really nice and it definitely works in your favor. Overall, I think you have done a really nice job with your projects so far, and I can't wait to see how you finish this semester! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHi Daegan! First of all, I loved the way your storybook was able to incorporate a couple of different themes and cultures from the readings this semester. Your introduction immediately draws people in, and your usage of verse is impressive. The concept of Dante works quite well to draw together different stories from different cultures, and you've put that to work! I appreciated your cultural explanations in the tale in Egypt. You give insight into a culture that not everyone has read about, effectively putting an author's note right into the story. There's one thing I noticed that I would warn you against in future stories. In some of your sentences, you try to accomplish too much, whether that's too much action, description, or dialogue. When the sentences are packed, readers have a hard time following what's going on. If you have to read a sentence more than twice to fully understand what it's communicating, chances are it would be more effective broken into two sentences. Overall, really great work! Your writing is rich, creative, and engaging. Well done.
ReplyDeleteHello Daegan!
ReplyDeleteMost of the projects I have seen so far have been portfolios and not storybooks so I can not even begin to tell you how exciting it was to follow your web page and the way it was structured. Your intro does an amazing job of setting the tone for the entire project. Your use of literary devices such as dialogue and imagery does a great job of creating a new universe for the reader. I think word usage is also a key factor in the success of your project because you create a setting with the use of older and more "folksy"-er words. Although you only have a couple of pages uploaded right now, I would love to see where this storybook takes you in the coming days and read more about it. I think there is a lot of potential here from many various avenues and it would be awesome to see this in its final form!
Hey Daegan, I really like the conceptual setup you have within this storybook. I have seen a few retellings of Dante’s experience but this has to be my favorite one so far. I also have not seen many storybook’s that include the Egyptian gods and goddesses, so I am interested to learn more. One thing you might consider to improve the overall aesthetic of your storybook is adding more pictures into the stories themselves. Pictures within the story can help break up large walls of text and make certain aspects of the story more vivid. For example, a picture of Sebek-Ra might be really helpful to the reader as they try and picture what is going on. In addition, the material you are writing about has a ton of potential for cool imagery anyway, the possibilities are endless. Overall, great project so far. I am excited to see how it finishes.
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